Things are weird right now

I started dating fairly soon after my divorce. I'm not really sure why.

Maybe it was because my therapist had planted the idea in my head?

I remember sitting in her office in one of my appointments and she says "so, have you thought about dating at all?" "HELL NO. Are you kidding me?" And then when I got home, making dinner for just one person and later settling into bed with my two cats, "well, it might not be a bad idea"... ha. 

Shortly after, I found myself going on dates fairly regularly with a pretty great guy. We ended up dating for a year.  (And he's probably going to be mad when he reads this, ha.)

Over the course of that year, there were bumps in the road. There were really, really good times. And there were some really bad times. There were times when I was so happy I could hardly stand it, and there were times that I cried myself to sleep, exhausted from trying too hard. I rarely gave myself grace for the fact that I was still learning; that I’m still learning, now.

When you put two flawed, broken people together, it doesn't always make everything better. People can't fix you, they can't fix your problems, no matter how hard you try to wrap up those wounds with the attention of someone else. No matter how badly I would want things to change, they couldn't unless we made changes in ourselves. I knew this with my marriage and was able to walk away knowing I did what I could, but this time seemed much harder for some reason. 

In this last year, I've learned so much about myself.

I found that I let my anxiety hinder me in many ways - I cancel plans last minute, I say things I don't mean out of frustration for not being able to properly communicate. I often use it as a crutch.

I found that I'm very good - almost too good - at placing blame on everyone but myself. I tend to take the blame only when I feel cornered - it's a known problem, it was a known problem when I was married, and it's an issue I am slowly, but surely, working through. 

I found that I'm needy as hell. Good grief, am I needy. And if I never marry again, I'll know this is the reason why. ;) 

I learned exactly what I need out of a relationship, that I deserve all those things that I need and want, and I shouldn't have to compromise any of it. But how to receive those needs without being selfish about it is something I haven't quite mastered yet.

Now let's add in the fact that I was married and had just spent the last 7 years of my "adult" life with one person.

Growing up with one person - someone who knew me inside and out, who knew what I needed emotionally and fulfilled those needs really well for the majority of those 7 years -- then moving into a world of dating, where no one knows me that well, no one knows what I need in order to calm my fears and my anxieties. Beginning a long term relationship on the basis of "this is what I need from you, can you do that for me" was a mistake. It was frustrating. It made me cry, a lot, on many occasions. I expected too much right out of the gate and that's not fair - to me or anyone I date. 

I found that dating as an adult is really weird and really different than dating straight out of high school. It's weird to reflect on the last time I really dated someone prior to this; I was 18 and I ended up marrying that guy. Now I'm 26 and have zero clue how to date a man. 

In the midst of all of that, my ex-husband re-entered my life. It threw me into a tailspin of emotions. He was asking me for the very things I had begged him for when our marriage was ending. He was practically offering them to me on a silver platter. 

But I didn't want those things from him anymore, I had moved on, I had learned to live without this person. But I wasn't sure what to do with any of this mess. How to handle it. How to tell anyone about it. If I should tell anyone that it had happened.

And in the midst of all of that, I was also off of my medication. Which, if you've been on any sort of antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication, the withdrawal is absolute hell. Your emotions are all over the place as it is, and when life throws a few more wrenches in there, everything feels a little too hard to handle sometimes. 

Dating post-divorce, when you really didn't date as an adult prior to getting married is a rude awakening. Life is really different after marriage. Men are different. The rules of dating are different. It's just weird and I wasn't prepared for it. 

Maybe I jumped in too soon. I can admit to that.

I was talking to a friend about the many emotions I've been experiencing lately and I said, "I have no idea why I feel this sad. I've been through so much worse than this." She told me that even though I'm well past my marriage, that I've moved on with my life and I'm doing well - I'm probably still grieving the loss of my marriage in many ways, and now I'm grieving yet another loss. Another failure, so to speak. And she was right. I am grieving two failed relationships at once. And it hurts. And it sucks really freaking bad. 

But. 

I've been through worse. I'll probably go through worse again. This is but another bump in the road, that I'll learn and grow from. And I can't help but be thankful for it all.