change is hard.

There's a small, quiet voice inside that has been telling my brain to suppress the need to write about this. That this isn't the time to talk about this, when it's still so fresh and the hurt is still very real. But if I can't talk about something that is so needed to be spoken about, push the emotions aside, and to suppress the very thing that is in my nature, what am I doing to help myself? So over the past month, as I've tossed and turned every night, I've decided I'm only hurting myself if I choose not to voice my thoughts on this sensitive matter. I've always been an open book, I've never been one to shy away from the hard topics. I've been so afraid of appearing as weak, pathetic and all the other derogatory words that can come to mind. For the past month, I've felt like I have no say in what happens to my future. But this is my story, too. And if I want regain control over my life - if I want to learn to be okay, I have to talk about it more, even when it's hard. 

My life is a million percent different than it was just over a month ago. My life before wasn't perfect, by any means, of course. I'd noticed that I was slipping into a bout of depression and I'd told Blake this, but despite that, I was still functioning, I was still happy and content. I simply told him this because I thought maybe he could help bring me out of the weird mood I'd been falling into lately. About a week later, everything changed, my world was flipped upside down and I'm currently in a full fledged battle with my anxiety and depression, and although I know I have plenty of friends and family by my side - it feels like I'm alone because the one person I need is not there.

I sleep less, I eat less, I overanalyze every little thing and I'm a shell of the person I used to be. In the mornings, I have to talk myself into getting out of bed. I have to talk myself into getting in the shower. Into putting on my clothes and makeup. Into getting in my car and driving to work. 

Every single day. My days are starting to run together and most days I have to look at a calendar 10+ times to remind myself what day it is and what I need to do.

It's been hard admitting that I need help. That I need to surround myself with people who love me and want the best for me, no matter what that looks like - but for the past 6 years, what was best for me sure as hell isn't what my life is lately. For the past month, if I'm being honest, I've hated everything about myself. I have questioned everything - why was I not good enough? What did I do that was so wrong that I deserve this? I want to tell myself that these are irrational questions that don't deserve to be asked, but I do feel that to some extent they have merit and do need to be asked so I can be and do better. I keep telling myself, everyone keeps telling me  - "this is not your fault." And I think deep down I know that. But my instincts tell me, "No. You did this to yourself." Because of this, my anxiety has skyrocketed. My depression has deepened so much more than I ever thought possible. There were times in the past 10+ years that I've thought, "maybe I'm depressed." But now I'm realizing, I was just sad and discontent for short periods of time. But this? I think I know now what real depression feels like and I'd give anything to make it go away. My heart hurts so badly that I can't stand it - I wouldn't wish this sort of emotional pain on my worst enemy.

I guess the good part is, I'm relearning to trust that Jesus will protect my heart through all of this. I'm relearning how to go to my friends and family when I need someone to lean on for support. It's just hard having to relearn something when you've spent six years trusting one person to protect your heart. Maybe that was the problem - maybe I lost myself in being someone's wife, and in the process lost everything I had been before I gained that title. Maybe that's why this is so hard? 

But this weird and unwanted twist of fate has led to a lot of hard realizations about myself, about depression and anxiety, and how I want to live my life moving forward. I've spent more time with friends than I have in years. I have forced myself out of the house on days where I really just wanted to be in bed all day. I have done things that I thought my anxiety would prevent me from doing. I have been genuinely happy for small bits at a time. So, it's not all bad. There are just more hard days than easy ones. And that's okay. That's to be expected, I suppose. 

So when it comes to anxiety and depression - I want to end this post with an iPhone note I made the other day during a particularly hard day: 

When you know someone is suffering - especially if they tell you they are, don't run away. It's the easy thing to do, sure. You don't know how to help, you don't understand, I get it. But know - running away doesn't help. 

Depression, anxiety, etc - it sucks. But do you know what is worse? Being depressed and anxious and not having the support from the person or people you need it from most. It intensifies those lonely, hopeless feelings tenfold. The weight of your depression is crushing you, yet the person you rely on is not there to pick you up when you fall. It's okay that you don't know how to help, but not being there is the worst thing you could ever do. 

So you want to help someone who is suffering from depression and don't know how? Step one: don't abandon them when things get tough. Just do your best to be there, because I guarantee they are doing their very best as well. 

I have been blogging on and off since I was 16 years old. Most of you have seen me grow up, or have grown up with me. You've been with me through it all, and for that, I can't thank you enough. Especially now. Next week, me and my momma are off to Disney World to rest and recharge before we both enter new seasons of life (she's starting a brand new job - I'm so proud of you, mom!). When I get back from that vacation, I do intend on writing more - probably not on this personal of a subject again, but I will write more in general. I hope that's okay with you. <3