365.

As of today, I can say that the hardest year of my life is behind me. It feels good, scary, relieving and weird all at once.

I've always shared personal experiences, from my silly blogs in high school about the stupidest stuff, to the beginnings of my relationship, to getting engaged and all of the wedding planning, and the marriage itself - it only felt natural to share what was going on as I navigated the waters of divorce. Looking back, I'm split a little; part of me is so happy I shared all that I did. Although it was an extremely painful time, and whenever I read back on those writings, it feels just as fresh as it did when I wrote them... really good friendships were forged from being open about my divorce and subsequent depression. On the other hand, I know I hurt a lot of people by writing so freely about what was happening in my life.

Every time I wrote about my divorce, I felt so much better. I felt closer to those who took the time to read, and listen to my struggles, and especially to those who would reach out to me and offered a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear or to even asked for advice (which is so flattering because I feel like I know nothing). I never felt quite as alone whenever I wrote about what I was feeling. It felt different than just talking to someone about it - whether it be a friend, family, or my therapist. Writing always felt better.

Getting married at 22 and divorced at 25 was hard. So hard. I felt (feel?) like a failure, like I gave up on something that was supposed to last forever. It's taken a lot of hard work to realize that sometimes things just don't work out and that's okay. And I made it through relatively unscathed, I feel.

So - a run down on the last year:

- I got divorced. (what?! No way!)
- Made some of the best friends. Honestly, these are some of the most genuine relationships I've ever had in my entire life.
- I went to Disney four times. Once with my mom, once with a friend I'd never met in real life, and twice completely by myself. I can't begin to explain what each of those trips meant to me, and I hope to write about it eventually (I have written about the trip with my mom, already)
- Got more tattoos in the last year than I've gotten in the last 8 years combined.
- Started therapy and medication for my depression and anxiety, something I should've done forever ago but was too intimidated to do.
- Lost a bunch of weight because I never ate anything, except for a protein shake maybe once a day. Gained a bunch of it back because I semi got my appetite back.
- Moved into a house in my favorite Springfield neighborhood.
- Went hiking in the Smoky Mountains! (While seemingly insignificant, I promise you, this is big for me.)
- Dating a really great guy. He has chickens, one in particular attacked my left foot last weekend.
- Went to concerts! Lots of concerts! My favorite was probably seeing Band of Horses one last time with my dad (our fourth time together), before two of the original members left the band. (AND I'm seeing Banks next month. Her newest album was released while I was at Disney World with my mom over what would've been my third wedding anniversary. It was a perfect album with perfect timing. I'm excited to hear that music live.)

It's been incredibly hard; there have been days where I struggle to get out of bed, I forget to eat (and y'all, before all this, I never 'forgot' to eat), I've ditched my friends more in the last year out of pure anxiety than I ever have in my life.

But I'm really grateful for these last 365 days. They've changed me and continue to shape me into who I am, and it's hard to look back on this last year without acknowledging all the good that's come from it.

Anyway. Here's some music.


Thanks for being great, always. I've never experienced such kindness in my life and I'm really grateful.