Being completely honest with you - as I always am and always will be - I was more worried about going back to Disney World than I was about the approaching holiday season. Is that bad?
The holidays were always something I treasured while married. We started our own traditions, carried on some of our childhood traditions... it was always my favorite time of the year. Being in love at Christmastime is pretty magical, isn't it? But even so, I told my therapist I wasn't worried about the holidays at all.
Well, Thanksgiving has come and gone, I have officially survived my first major holiday.
It wasn't hard.
I didn't miss him.
I didn't wish he were there.
I simply enjoyed the completely 100% uninterrupted time with my family. No sharing the day with anyone else. No having to leave halfway through a meal to make it to the next one. Just a full day with the ones who have shown me the most incredible display of unconditional love these past few months. It was a beautiful day. The best thanksgiving I've had in years. (Also, we don't do turkey in my family. We do prime rib. Amen, amen, amen. I am blessed y'all.)
Being honest - again - I'm surprised by these feelings, or lack thereof. My day to day feelings are weird; some days are really easy, some days are really hard. Despite my confidence in not being worried about today, there was the voice in the back of my head that was telling me it would be so much harder than I anticipated. But it wasn't. At all.
Lately I have been so incredibly grateful for this life and with Thanksgiving, those feelings were magnified tenfold.
Had you told me a year ago that my marriage would be over, that I would be living alone, that I would be relearning how to be just "Haley" and not someone's wife - I wouldn't have believed you. I would've laughed in your face, truthfully. How naive I've been.
But.
The way things have turned out - it's okay. I'm okay. My anxiety has decreased dramatically. I'm more confident. I have my self worth back. I'm a better version of me than I've been in six years. I'm spending actual time with friends that I haven't seen in years. I'm me again. And now, I refuse to sacrifice who I am and what I want out of life for someone who treated me so poorly in the end.
The jury is still out on Christmas. How will I feel? Will it be like Thanksgiving? Will I be able to breathe as easily and freely as I did today? Will I miss the person I called "husband"? Or will I just be missing the memories of Christmases past? Will I be able to continue to be thankful that this is my life?
As the stockings now hang on my wall, I don't even seem to notice that a "B" is missing from the line of initials. My house, while missing a person that lived with me for nearly three years, does not feel empty. My heart doesn't feel broken.
I am so thankful this is my life.
Happy Thanksgiving, friends. I'm thankful for you.
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