untitled.

Being so close to my divorce being final has me wondering what kind of emotions I will feel when it's all said and done.
It had been a long time coming, after waiting what felt like a lifetime, I had signed the settlement, Blake had signed - the only thing standing between me and an official divorce is a 30 day waiting period. The day I saw that the papers were officially filed and that I would be divorced within the month, I felt so many things. My head was spinning - this is the exact moment that I had been wondering about for months.

Would I feel sad?
Would I cry?
Would I feel relief?
Would I breathe a deep sigh of gratefulness?

It happened to be the latter two.

***

Speaking with my mom on the long ride home from St. Louis a few months ago, we combed over the events that led me to filing for divorce, a decision that was painful, heartbreaking and something I so badly did not want to do. 

"The photo. It was the photo that did it," my mom said over and over with a slight hint of bitterness in her tone. My mom, the sugary sweet woman who is nice to everyone she meets - bitter over a photo. 

But it's true. 

In the weeks after the divorce conversation happened, there was a lot of back and forth. There were a lot of tears, a lot of angry words exchanged between the both of us, a lot of me begging for his attention.

In person, he would tell me the things I wanted to hear. 

"Maybe we could go out to dinner every once in a while. Start over." 

"If you're willing to do these things for me, I would consider..." 

Over text, he would tell me the truth that he couldn't say to my face. 

"You were the worst wife." 

"You made living with you miserable." 

And even with all of that, I was willing. I wanted to give it six months, maybe even more. I wanted to wait until it had been six months since he'd moved out before making any legal moves. I wanted to see if anything would change. If he'd give me that second chance that I so badly wanted. 

And then the photo. 

It was a photo of him camping. With a girl. With the biggest smile on his face. 

I saw it while in a Target three hours from home. I sat in the middle of the aisle and cried. I made an embarrassing mess of myself in public and didn't even care. I couldn't breathe, couldn't think. For two months he'd been telling me he didn't know what he wanted, but when I asked a friend close to the girl in the photo if anything was going on and she said she didn't know, but she knew that they hang out every day. 

That was enough. That's all I needed to know.

A photo was my undoing. 

A picture is worth a thousand words that he could never say to me.

I left for home immediately and called anyone who would answer to keep me company on that three hour drive. The next day I opened my own bank account and made a list of everything we needed to separate. Three days after that, I was sitting in a lawyer's office. 

The weeks and months after that initial meeting were the most stressful, yet most freeing moments in my life. For a while I felt as if Blake had stripped me of any power and control I once held in my life. The words he had spoken to me, mixed with the never ending back and forth of "if you can do this, maybe.." left me feeling so powerless; I felt as if the fate of my future was in someone else's hands that didn't deserve to have that control.
And I had finally gained that back. I felt good for the first time in months. 

My family felt the pain I was feeling. They cried with me, wanted so badly to confront him. They know how badly I wanted to stay married. They know how hard I tried. They know how much I was willing to change for him. 

But I got to walk away from this marriage knowing I did everything in my power to make it work. 

I was willing to change everything about me. 

I was willing to do what he wanted to do. 

I was willing to be who he wanted me to be. 

But it wasn't enough, and he never gave me the chance (and frankly, I'm glad he never gave me that chance).

So I walk away knowing I am not at fault and I hold no guilt in being the one who filed for divorce. 

I walk away with my dignity intact. I didn't have to change who I am for a man who didn't care. 

I didn't have to sacrifice what I want for someone who didn't want those things with me.

And I'm a better me because of this. 

I have a renewed faith in God, who holds my heart better than anyone ever could. 

I started going back to church.

I know exactly what I want when the time comes to possibly remarry. 

I'm stronger. I'm more capable. I'm less anxious. I'm happier. I'm me again. 

Divorce isn't what I asked for, but it's what was handed to me. And my experience has shown me so much about myself - I wouldn't trade those lessons for anything in this world. 

***

Thank you for being here for me. The encouragement and words of pure love that I've received from everyone has been the most incredible thing. These past handful of months would've been much harder had I not had your comforting words to look back on. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Also - because I am who I am, and I believe in the power of women, I can't go without acknowledging that you should never ever change who you are, what you want, what you believe in for someone else, regardless of the nature of your relationship. Being able to look back on my marriage now, I can clearly see those red flags and know that it was so incredibly wrong of anyone to want to change me, or for me to find it necessary to change myself to please someone. Don't ever change who you are for a man, don't sacrifice what you want out of your life just because they don't want the same things. 

If you find yourself in a similar situation - I may not have any words of advice - but I can offer my shoulder for you to cry on, my listening ears, and my prayers. Never hesitate to come to me for anything.

"You spun gold out of this hard life.

Conjured beauty from things left behind. 

Found healing where it did not live." 

- Warsan Shire