sad + happy at the same time

"Let yourself love. Let parts of you die. Or you aren't really loving." 

- Ann Voskamp

I'm in therapy. Weekly visits + a good dose of Lexapro to help with the depression and anxiety. I find that it's helping a lot. I've had to take an entire week off of work because I had trouble focusing and even getting out of bed. I had to cancel a visit to see my best friend because of an intense bout of anxiety. I have lost about thirty pounds. I watch the same episodes of The Office every night because I'm finding familiarity gives me a lot of comfort. Rejection in any form hurts a lot right now. I don't sleep much these days.
I struggle with the concept of finding love again. I am a classic case of oversharing, since that's a coping mechanism for me. Who in their right mind wants that? I felt, for the longest time, that I lucked out with Blake - that he was so willing to let me blog about my problems with depression and anxiety and all the other shitty parts of life. I always worry that lightning won't strike the same place twice, and the quirks that make me such an open book will be the thing that drives people away. Part of me feels like it already has done that.

But the last two months have actually been really, really good.

I've learned some tough lessons. About me. About others. About my relationships. About life.
I've learned that this part of my life is over and that's okay. I've learned that while I enjoyed this chapter of my life for a little while, it wasn't always great. And it's okay that it's time to turn the page and start a new chapter.
I've learned that I'm okay on my own; living alone isn't quite as scary as it used to be.
I've learned that I have a lot of friends who have proven over and over that they are with me every step of the way. They've seen me through the good days and talked me through the bad days. When he first moved out, I truly felt as if I had no one, or at least not many here locally. As I'm learning, the friends both near and far are the best friends a girl could ever ask for. They have done more to make sure I'm okay than anyone had done for me in the past three years.
I'm learning that I was never the root of the problem. I may have contributed to mutual unhappiness in my marriage, but it wasn't always my fault, no matter what has been said to try and make me believe that.
I am learning that I have so much to offer someone, I just couldn't offer that to my first husband. And that's okay. Someday, I'll get a chance to be a wife again and I'll be a damn good one. And when the time comes to have another wedding, I'll have a Star Wars & Doctor Who wedding, because obvi.

It's weird to be mourning the life you once had, but also be at complete peace with the situation. As I was telling my dad last night - I'm truly okay with this. I am okay with this separation. I'm okay with starting over, no matter how scary it seemed at first, because as a whole we all agree it is for the best. It's weird to be both sad and happy at the same time. No one ever gets married with the expectation to get divorced, but I think it was always supposed to be this way. Some people just don't bring out the best in you, and my marriage didn't bring out the best in either of us. And that's okay.